My Confession

Have you ever looked at someone and thought that they were the perfect Christian? That they looked just like someone on the cover of an Elizabeth George devotional? Happy, Holy, and Healthy? I’ve known people who appeared that way, and there was a part of me that resented them—resented that they seemed to have faith completely figured out and never struggled or worried or felt like just giving up.  And I never thought that I could talk with them about my struggles because they wouldn’t understand.

As I’ve been writing this blog, I realize that I could come across as this sort of person. And that is the last thing I want, because the whole point of this blog is that this “good girl” DOES NOT have it all figured out.

So, 

here is my confession.

I worry. A lot. I worry that people don’t like me; that I’m a failure as an adult; that I’m not seeing God’s will for me; that my hair is falling out… and I know that if I truly trusted God like I say I do, I wouldn’t worry.

I want to give up. There are so many times that I look at my life, and I think how much easier it would be if I weren’t a Christian. How many more guys would suddenly enter my list of “possibilities”; how much more “fun” I could have; even how many more movies I could watch if I didn’t care about language and sexual content. And sometimes, the fact that I don’t give up is in itself extremely frustrating, because I want to and yet know that it won’t have the desired result and wish that I didn’t know that.

I sin. On a practical level, we all know that Christians still sin, but sometimes it’s easy to think that it’s “acceptable” sin. Nope. I lose my temper; I waste time (I can take a whole day cleaning a house that should take 2 hours); I use bad language on occasion; I gossip; I complain and boast (often in the same sentence); I manipulate people sometimes to get the result that I want; I’m judgmental about people I dislike (if not verbally then in my thoughts and actions.)

I’m not super-spiritual.  When I’m in a Bible study or small group, and we’re talking about daily devotions, my hand always goes up, because I do have devotions almost every day, but I feel like I’m lying.  My devotions normally take about 10 minutes every morning and there’s days that I feel like I’ve barely noticed what Bible passage I read. My prayers are often fairly impersonal and rote (I tend to be formulaic and they don’t vary much day to day). My daily conversation at work or with friends is probably more likely to be about what movie I’ve just seen than something spiritual.

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I’m not saying all this to make anyone think I’m a terrible person. On the contrary, I think I’m pretty normal. I’d be willing to bet that most people who read this can relate to most of what I’ve confessed to, and that most of the people who know them would be surprised.

And that makes me sad. That so many people go through their lives thinking that everyone else is perfect and doesn’t struggle and can’t help or relate, so therefore they hide their struggles and fears. If I could make any sort of a difference with this blog, I’d want it to be that people start being open with the truth about their lives. 

I’m also not saying this to justify or vilify myself or anyone else who feels like this. It’s not ok to worry, to be apathetic, to sin… all the things I’ve just confessed to. I know that, and I’m still growing and changing as a Christian, hopefully becoming more like Jesus.  My point with this post is that we do nobody any favors by not admitting to the truth about ourselves. If I’m not honest about where I am, and you’re not honest about where you are, we’re both incapable of reaching the other to help.