So Many Fears

I’m afraid.  I worry… a lot… sometimes about stupid things, and sometimes about legitimate fears.  I suppose most people do, and are simply good at hiding it. Perhaps I am, too, as no one has yet diagnosed me with any phobias. But I’m tired of pretending that I’m fearless, and have all the answers.  Guess what?! I’m not and I don’t!

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- I am afraid of eternity. I may very well be the only Christian out there for whom the concept of Heaven is not one of unmitigated bliss. The Bible says Heaven will be wonderful, so I believe that on one level, but on the other hand, the idea of something that never stops, never ends, scares me silly. I was worried there was something seriously wrong with me, spiritually, until I realized that outer space freaked me out just as badly. The previews for that movie, Gravity? Terrifying.

- I’m afraid that I’ll never get married. And it’s not just that I’m a girl and so of course I want to get married. I’m an only child, and both my parents are pushing 60. There is a very large part of me that is afraid that I will become a caretaker of aged parents, with no one to support me.

- I’m afraid I’ll kill someone. This is not as impossible as it sounds. As a cook, if I mess something up, someone could, potentially, die. If someone doesn’t tell me about an allergy, if communication breaks down somewhere or something gets labeled improperly… (Disclaimer: these are not necessarily legitimate concerns for my workplace. I don’t want anything thinking that if they come to my restaurant they’re more likely to die than at Applebee’s—that’s not the case.)

- Bees. You can tell me until the cows come home that bees won’t hurt you unless you disturb them, that they’re a necessary/wonderful part of our ecosystem. I DON’T CARE. Put me in the same room as a bee, and I can’t function properly.

- I’m afraid that people secretly think I’m weird/annoying/awkward. Having been homeschooled, my social skills are slightly different than those of a lot of my peers. Older people and kids think I’m pretty cool (I think) but I often wonder if people close to my age think I’m a little awkward. So there are days when I go home and overanalyze and worry and berate myself over an interaction (most often involving an attractive member of the opposite sex.)

- I’m afraid that I don’t explain things clearly in AWANA. When I work with the kids, and try to help them understand a concept or Bible verse, I often feel like all that’s coming out of my mouth is “ ya da ya da ya da Jesus. Blah blah blah chapter and verse.”  And in some respects, I’m responsible for teaching these kids about Jesus. What if, because I can’t explain it clearly, they never get saved?

- I’m afraid that I’m a failure. 24, single, still living in the same house as my parents, haven’t done anything really noteworthy… I worry that I missed the grown-up train. I’ve written about this before, and no doubt will again, but I still worry that I somehow missed my opportunity to make something of myself, and will forever be a semi-adult, complete with multiple cats and an unhealthy Doctor Who addiction.

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I suppose I should have known that when I posted a blog about trusting God, life was going to get tough. And it did.  All these worries that I’ve listed aren’t necessarily new, but certain of them seem to have popped up again, and stronger, lately.  And I’ve been realizing that while I know what trusting God looks like, I missed, maybe, the biggest aspect of trust.

Trusting God is a CHOICE. I was recently asked in a Bible study why I believe in God. My answer was that I choose to. Laying aside all the proofs and evidence for belief in God, ultimately it’s a choice. Smarter people than me have looked at the evidence and don’t believe in God (and some do.) I looked at the evidence, and decided that I would rather live my life believing in God than not believing in Him.  Life with God makes sense, and life without Him doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Just because I believe in God doesn’t mean that every time I’m worried or frightened I don’t have to make the choice all over again to trust Him.  Lately, when I’ve been obsessively worrying, I feel like God has been asking me, “Do you believe ME? That I am in control. That I am trustworthy.” Sometimes it’s easy to say yes, and sometimes it’s incredibly hard.

Before I wrap up this post, I need to add a disclaimer. I am not a fearful person, like some of the people you come across who are practically trembling all the time with fear about everything. As far as I know, on the outside I look perfectly normal (those of you who know me, don’t laugh!). Which leads me to wonder, however, how many other people who look perfectly normal on the outside are actually as much of a worrier on the inside as I am.  I wonder, sometimes, if Christians simply don’t talk about the “stupid” fears that trip them up on a daily basis.

I’m sure you know the Bible verse, “God has not given us a spirit of fear,” as well as I do. Is it possible that we’ve interpreted it as “Christians shouldn’t be afraid”? One of the things I often think when I’m worrying is that perhaps this fear or worry is God trying to tell me something. But what this verse says, I think, is that fearfulness, worry, is not God-given. God doesn’t use my neurotic fears to try to lead me. Satan does, because he knows how crippling fear can be, and that if he can get me focused on being afraid, I’m not going to be useful for anything. And believe it or not, this comforts me because it tells me that my fear is part of an ongoing spiritual battle—which Satan has already lost.

Now if I can just remember that tomorrow…