Stop the Single Shaming!

“Place your heart in the hands of God, and he will place it in the hands of a man who deserves it.” Odds are good you’ve seen something like that going around the internet. If not that, maybe “If you run after God like you run after a man, God will give you a man you won’t have to run after.” These phrases are typically accompanied by a picture of a dapper man gazing intently at the camera, or a carefree young woman in a field at sunset.  They make me really mad. Or there’s this one, the first half of which is spot-on and I applaud it whole heartedly—“Until Jesus Christ is the obsession of your heart, you’ll always be looking to mere men to meet needs that only he can fill. Only when you make Jesus Christ your first love will you be ready for a love story that reflects his glory.” The second half, however, breaks my heart.

Why? All of these phrases have one thing in common—the implication that God dispenses Godly husbands to women who have achieved a certain level of Godliness. Put like that, it sounds really wrong, doesn’t it? We know God doesn’t work like that. The whole point of Christianity is that God has given us something we could never earn, and certainly don’t deserve.  We live our lives on the fact that we deserve none of the blessings that God has given us… yet it seems that when it comes to husbands, (you married women can argue with me on whether or not they’re an actual blessing) we think that God has a reward system; that when we reach a certain level of spirituality, God decides we’re ready and hands us a husband.

Laying aside the fact that this mindset goes totally against everything I know about God and His blessings, let’s be practical. This is demonstrably untrue! If God handed out spouses based on our spiritual maturity, there would be an awful lot of single Christians. I try not to compare myself to other people in terms of spirituality or looks, but I will tell you that if marital status was based on either, I’d be married and several people I know wouldn’t be (but they are, quite happily). Of course, it goes both ways and there are many people I know who are both more spiritual and better-looking than I am that are married. So, obviously, neither looks nor spirituality are guaranteed to result in marriage.

The two things I’ve mentioned above explain why this mindset makes me angry, but not so much why it makes me sad. Let’s turn this phrase inside out. To put it baldly, the mindset goes “God gives you a husband when you are spiritually mature enough, or when you are truly satisfied with just God” (that last bit I know wasn’t evident in the phrases I’ve mentioned, but I have come across it before.) Inside out, it goes something like, “You don’t have a husband yet because God doesn’t think you’re spiritually mature enough.” Ouch. Speaking solely from my own experience, I already struggle with wondering why I’m not married or even seeing someone. Is it because I’m unattractive? Not nice to be around? Do I smell bad? What IS wrong with me? To add to my concerns about inadequacy the implication that maybe it’s my fault because I’m not holy enough is cruel. You wouldn’t tell someone they’re single because they’re overweight, would you?

This also creates a real sense of shame, sometimes, because it also implies that if I were truly Godly, I wouldn’t want a husband.  Ummmm…. Excuse me? Did I hear that right? Are there actually people that think the desire for a husband is not Godly? Arguably, being a wife is even more inherent to femininity than motherhood. Eve was created as help-meet for Adam, not a brood mare, yet no one would tell a woman longing for children that she didn’t have them because she wasn’t mature enough, or that if she were truly Godly, she wouldn’t long for them. Yet, that is essentially what we tell single women brave enough to admit that they want to get married.

And last, but certainly not least, if this were in any way a valid belief, that God gives spouses to the spiritually mature, where are the memes and the phrases telling this to men? Why are we directing this thought solely at women? I’m not a feminist ready to cry “Discrimination!” at the drop of a hat, but it really bothers me that there are plenty of sayings and teachings that women should simply focus on God and not desire a husband, but no one seems to say it to the men.

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Now, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t focus on our relationship with God, make Him our first priority, or that we should encourage being “man-hungry”. I realize that these memes/ phrases are probably primarily directed at those women that chase after anything male, but the principle still holds. Women were created to be wives. Let’s not belittle or make them (us) feel bad for desiring that. Do we often go about it the wrong way? Absolutely. That’s not my point here. The baby is getting thrown out with the bath water, because while there are plenty of women who need the reminder that, regardless of whatever desires they have (Godly or not), God Himself still comes first, there are many others that get handed the same blanket statement for whom it feels like a kick when we’re already down.

So, to try to come to sort of conclusion… Yes, even if (though) I want a husband, I should be focusing on my relationship with God first and foremost. However, God is not withholding a husband until I reach some specific level of maturity. Nor is my desire to be married anything to be ashamed of!