I’ve been single my whole life—never had a boyfriend, really never been asked out on a date, even. To be perfectly honest, there have been very few males of my acquaintance that I’d even consider dating. But as I’ve watched my friends date, marry, and have watched the Christian dating/social scene in general, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is very strange, and in fact, downright unnatural.
Here’s what I mean. When you’re a teenager, you’re given all
these books to read about not dating, emotional purity… all of which are good
things. You’re told to avoid physical contact, being alone with a person of the
opposite sex, spending lengthy amounts of time— nowadays on facebook, IM,
texting, the phone—communicating with a person of the opposite sex. And again,
when you’re a teenager, with raging hormones and an inordinate amount of
stupidity, these are really good guidelines that provide a much-needed safety
barrier. But somehow, we come to believe these guidelines are gospel truth,
which creates two huge problems. The first is that we condemn as immoral anyone
who doesn’t adhere to them. The second is that we condemn ourselves as we move
into adulthood, and realize that these guidelines are not always practical,
applicable, or useful.
And here’s the thing—these guidelines are not Biblical,
anymore than Eve adding “neither shall ye touch it” to God’s command not to eat
the forbidden fruit made it sin to touch it. As far as I can tell, all the
Bible really has to say about the relationship between unmarried people of the
opposite sex is “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” To this we’ve added “thou
shalt not spend time with someone of the opposite sex, thou shalt not have any
sort of physical contact with the opposite sex, thou shalt refrain from
thinking about the opposite sex, and thou shalt in all ways be as unnatural and
uncomfortable around them as possible, lest you realize that God first created
Man, then created them male and female.”
I’m not saying that all these books/guidelines are bad—in
fact, they’re quite good. But we have so integrated them into our Christian
culture that we forget that they are human rather than divine in origin. Practically speaking, we see the consequences
of this in teen groups and young adult groups where girls talk to girls and
guys talk to guys, and anyone who dares cross that invisible line is gossiped
about, teased, and thought of as something of a flirt. We see it when a young
couple gets looked at askance for spending a few hours alone (in a public
place). I see it when a guy who might
be interested in me but doesn’t go to my church or my YA group doesn’t ask me
out for coffee because “Christians don’t date”… yet how else are we supposed to
get to know each other??? And of course, we NEVER hug a person of the opposite
sex, but what happens when you get hugged by a person who was never told that,
and who’s just hugging you as a friendly gesture?
To be perfectly honest, the older I get, the more the
concept of emotional purity doesn’t make sense to me. In order to bless anyone, to care about
anyone, male or female, I have to be emotionally invested in them. I really
don’t see any command anywhere in the Bible not to connect on a deeper
spiritual/emotional level, simply because they have a Y chromosome. In fact,
I’d dare say I see the opposite command. Does this mean I’m more vulnerable to
getting my heart broken? Yes… but I don’t know that there is anything wrong
with that.
Now, please understand, I’m not talking about romantic or
pseudo-romantic relationships. I don’t think we should go around falling in
love with a new person and giving them our heart every other week. And I know
there’s a danger of reading more into a relationship than is there and hurting
yourself or someone else. But I think we’ve become so afraid of that happening
that we’re unwilling to risk even an ordinary friendship for fear that one or
the other might become more emotionally involved than is “safe.”
However, the one place most of those books hit the nail spot
on the head is that we should be focusing first on our relationship with God.
And they’re absolutely right. I’d like to take that one step further and say
that if we are seeking God first, and seeking to do His will in ALL our
relationships, then all those guidelines we create for ourselves become
unnecessary. If I’m listening to God, and following His guidance to the best of
my ability, I can trust Him to guide my relationships according to His will and
His commandments.
On a personal note, I’ve been “just friends” with a guy, and
it ended awkwardly… but in retrospect, I don’t think anyone did anything wrong.
I prayed about it quite a lot, did my best to follow God’s leading, certainly
did not sin in any way that I know of, and still wound up hurting the guy.
Looking back, I really don’t see anything I could have done differently. I’m
saying all this to say that just because a relationship/friendship ends, it
doesn’t mean that anyone did anything wrong.
~*~
As I write this, I realize that what I’m saying is not
gospel truth anymore than what I’m arguing against is. I’m writing this because I’ve seen the
practical consequences of taking those guidelines to the extreme—guilt over a
breakup (where no one did anything wrong), extremely awkward interactions
between people of the opposite sex, and bizarre social maneuverings to avoid
anything that “might” be wrong or misinterpreted. And my hope is that we’ll
start to take a closer look at our rules for ourselves and each other. You may
find that even while your standards aren’t of divine origin, they’re standards
you want to hold yourself to—which is fine. But don’t hold everyone else to them,
as well. And conversely, don’t judge or tempt someone who holds a more
stringent standard than you do. Both things are equally likely, and both are
equally wrong—the Bible is crystal clear about that.
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